His Humanity, His Amelia
by kalijahrulez
Summary: "The Doctor is not kind. The Doctor doesn't help people. Not anyone, not ever. He stands above this world... But he was different once. A long time ago. Kind, yes. A hero even. A savior of worlds. But he suffered losses which hurt him. Now he prefers isolation to the possibility of pain's return." Doctor reflects on his life with Amy and his heartbreak over losing her.


It's a bright, sunny day, despite the snow that covers the ground and the cold weather. The perfect time to go out and enjoy life, breathe the fresh air, and just be happy to be alive. For The Doctor, though, this day is just as dull as every other day. He has long lost the ability to enjoy life and it's many blessings. Life has screwed him over too many times. So instead he walks alone through the streets of this tiny town he happened across. He watches the people around him. Children playing in the snow while their parents watch and laugh. Couples walking hand in hand, stopping to gaze into each other's eyes. The sight makes him sick, but it also makes him jealous. He walks back to the TARDIS. He takes one last look at all of the cheerful people before going inside. He walks over to a small wooden box with the words _Amelia _engraved on it. His back is against the wall as he looks down at the small object. He slides down the wall and once he's sitting on the floor, he picks the box up. He takes a deep breath before opening it. Inside is everything that reminds him of Amelia Pond. There is the bracelet she gave him during one of their many adventures through time, several photos of the two of them together, and a couple other small gifts from Amy. A few of the photos also include Rory, but while he misses Rory as well, his eyes never linger on those photos. The last thing he picks up is Amy's goodbye letter. Well, it's not exactly a letter, it's the last page from her book, but it is meant for him. He smiles for the first time in years when he thinks back to the time he told her he never reads the end of a book because he hates endings. It's true, except for Amy's book. He read it cover to cover a hundred times. He has it completely memorized. He ended up throwing it away after some years. The memories inside that book became too much. The last page, however, he will keep with him forever and always. He begins reading it for what is probably the thousandth time.

"Hello old friend, and here we are. You and me, on the last page. By the time you read these words, Rory and I will be long gone. So know that we lived well, and we're very happy. And above all else, know that we will love you, always. Sometimes I do worry about you, though. I think, once we're gone, you won't be coming back here for a while, and you might be alone, which you should never be. Don't be alone, Doctor. And do one more thing for me. There's a little girl waiting in a garden. She's going to wait a long while, so she's going to need a lot of hope. Go to her. Tell her a story. Tell her that if she's patient, the days are coming that she'll never forget. Tell her she'll go to sea and fight pirates. She'll fall in love with a man who'll wait two thousand years to keep her safe. Tell her she'll give hope to the greatest painter who ever lived, and save a whale in outer space. Tell her, this is the story of Amelia Pond. And this is how it ends."

He lets a single tear fall from his eyes as he reads the last line. She left him so that she could be with, have children with, and grow old with the man she loved more than anything, even more than she loved The Doctor. _Rory. _While The Doctor still loves Rory as if he were his brother, he also resents him at times. Rory possessed the one thing The Doctor wanted so badly; Amy's heart. With time, the once fun, energetic, outgoing, loving, caring, generous Doctor has grown into a bitter, lonesome soul. Unwilling to help anyone with anything. Never staying in one place long enough to set up roots. Terrified of letting anyone in. Choosing to be numb to any emotions other than those of sadness, anger, and despair. The tragic truth is, when Amelia Pond slipped away from him, his heart broke into a thousand pieces that can never be pieced back together. Though whatever heart he has left has grown cold and icy, he knows that no matter what, his heart will always belong to Amy. She was his everything. His sunshine, his life, his reason for existing. He thinks back to the day Amy made her choice. They were in a dream world. He, Amy, and Rory were the pawns of The Dream Lord's twisted game.

"You've swallowed a planet!"  
"I'm pregnant!"  
"You're huge!"  
"Yeah, I'm pregnant."  
"Look at you. When worlds collide."  
"Doctor, I'm pregnant."  
"Look at you both. Five years later and you haven't changed a bit apart from age and... size..."  
"It's good to see you, Doctor."  
"Wait, are you pregnant?!"

He laughs for a moment. He knew she was pregnant the moment he saw her, but he always loved to tease her. Once they got back to reality he told them he had just had a nightmare and they both said they had just had a dream. When they realized their dreams were all the same, Rory pointed out that The Doctor said it was a nightmare. The truth was, for him it was a nightmare. In the dream Amy was married to Rory and had given up her life as The Doctor's companion to start a family. His smile fades quickly as he remembers how they figured out they were in a dream world. Rory was killed and Amy decided that it couldn't be the real world because Rory wasn't in it anymore. She drove herself and The Doctor into the side of her dream house, killing them so they would wake back up in reality. She wasn't even completely sure if this was the dream world, but she she'd rather die than live without Rory and this way they would either wake back up in reality or she would see Rory again on the Other Side, which broke The Doctor's heart, though he tried not to show it. Once they got back to reality, Amy made her final choice. She loved The Doctor and she knew that would never change, but it wasn't enough. While her romantic feelings for him were strong, and their kiss had made her knees weak, she loved Rory more. She chose Rory then and she chose him in the end. He thinks back to that last, tragic day. The three of them were in Central Park when Rory went to get coffee. The Doctor was reading a book written by River Song, Amy and Rory's future daughter and The Doctor's estranged wife. He was reading out loud and Amy was getting annoyed. Suddenly he realized that everything he read in the book was happening. He informed Amy that Rory had just been transported to the 30s and they needed to travel back in time to get him back. They were reunited with River Song when they got there. Amy had a copy of River Song's book, but The Doctor forbid Amy from reading it, for once you know what your future holds, it is set in stone and can not be rewritten. Meaning that if one of them died in the book there was nothing they could do to stop it, not even go back in time using the TARDIS. Rory discovered that the Weaping Angels were there and the only way to stop them was to create a paradox. In the end, Rory was sent back to another time, permanently. That was when Amy made a choice that shattered The Doctor's heart. She chose to join Rory and leave The Doctor behind forever.

"Amy, what are you doing?"  
"That gravestone, Rory's, there's room for one more name isn't there?"  
"What are you talking about? Back away from the Angel. Come back to the TARDIS, we'll figure something out."  
"The Angel, would it send me back to the same time, to him?"  
"I don't know. Nobody knows."  
"But it's my best shot, yeah?"  
"No!"  
"I just have to blink, right?"  
"No!"  
"It'll be fine. I know it will. I'll be with him like I should be. Me and Rory together."  
"Stop it! Just, just, stop it! You are creating fixed time. I will never be able to see you again."  
"I'll be fine. I'll be with him."  
"Amy. Please. Just come back into the TARDIS, Come along, Pond. Please."  
"Raggedy Man, goodbye."

And just like that she was gone. From that moment on, he was alone. He could never be angry at her, though. He loved her too much, he still loves her. Ever since that day, he has never travelled past the year 1900. He likes to stay in a time where Amy is still alive somewhere or hasn't been born yet. He knows he'll never see her again either way, but the thought of living in a world where she is dead is too much for him. He still carries the pain with him. His pain has been his only companion since he lost her. Amy was the love of his life. There will never be another. He wonders what she would think if she could see him now. If she could see the person he's become... She would be disappointed, he knows. But he can't risk ever going through something like that again. If he doesn't let people in, then he can't lose anyone. It's not a good way to live, but it works for him. Amelia Pond was his everything. She was his humanity. And when he lost her, he lost himself.

In a place not too far from where he is now, a young woman is asking an old fiend of The Doctor for help. But this friend already knows what The Doctor will refuse.

_"The Doctor is not kind... The Doctor doesn't help people... Not anyone, not ever... He stands above this world... But he was different once... A long time ago... Kind, yes... A hero even... A savior of worlds... But he suffered losses which hurt him... Now he prefers isolation to the possibility of pain's return..." _

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